Cohiba’s Brain Dump

Life… Someone should have shot Murphy

I don’t know who Murphy was or why they call it Murphy’s law but someone should have shot the MotherF’er.  Always nice to get the 7:00am phone call to let you know your dad is in the hospital with pneumonia.  Or looking under the Mustang to see that the Exxon Valdez has made another stop over the winter going where the hell did all that come from. 

At least this week my depression feels a bit better under control, but I know my anti-biotic is messing with my meds.  That or its the Nyquill.    Neither me or Oliver can seem to get over this cold/flu crap. 

Now to vent/ponder.  Things have been interesting to say the least with the wife lately.  I’m at a loss of what to do.  I get the its not U its Me speech when I do try and talk to her about what is going on.  But part of me is scared to death that we will go the road of me and my ex wife that I will one day suddenly get a letter, phone call etc..  that says I’m just not happy and I’ve found that I can be much happier without you.  This all started when she out of the blue I wana go see a movie with you this weekend I just feel disconnected from you.  Umm ok..  So we went and saw avatar {Yeah for smurph porn}  Then the other morning, when we were trying to decide what movie to go to, since I am sick and there isn’t much playing I wana see.  I suggest maybe this weekend isn’t the best weekend.   Well next thing I know she puts Oliver down on the floor to play with his toys and disappears.  I give her a few minutes since I wasn’t sure if she went to the bathroom or what.   So I grab Oliver after about 10 minutes and go to find her.  Find her in the bedroom crying.  Which is when I got the I’m not happy and its me not you.  Well what the FUCK can I do to help you be more happy if you won’t talk to me.   Like I said we did end up going to see a movie, even after I tried to convince her to pick the movie.  How can I make her happier if she won’t even do something like picking the chick flick to make her self happier.  Doesn’t feel like postpartum depression since she was doing good for a few months but something is off.  I’m confused, lost and afraid of losing her. 

Also someone dared me to post a humiliating pic on my blog.  It doesn’t get more nerdy than this and yes even though it was Halloween when the picture was taken, I’ll admit to wearing it at other times of the year than Halloween. 

Continued Battle with Depression.

My battle continues, not sure if i’m subconsiously messing with my drugs or not.  Didn’t take my drugs this weekend, and interesting side affect of cold turkey on my two drugs is light headed dizzyness NOT FUN.  So hopefully i’ll remember to keep taking them because being dizzy and light headed with a 6 month old is dangerous for him.  I soo wish I didn’t have depression, or for no reason feel like I need to cry.   Its also one of the reasons I really haven’t posted, i’ve been so absorbed in my own black mood that I haven’t taken time to put it down.  You lose the will to do anything sometimes.  You just wana crawl into your dark whole and hope the world just forgets about you.  So its easier on you when you want the world to just end and go away.

Fox Fudge Freakout

Figured was a good topic since I am freaking out and the Ice cream with the same name rocks!!  We had it at my step daughters birthday party this weekend.

But on to my freak out..  I’m so worried i’m getting fired.  I screwed up and if I am getting fired its going to be the most STUPID reason ever.  I can understand my screwup a bit over a year ago costing my job but not this one, this one is like a WTF screwup.  Basically both screwups are around emails I sent.  First one I can understand I told a vp “How many times do I have to tell you NO its not getting approved”  Yeah I shouldn’t have used those words but still.  Job market so blows in Michigan the thought of not having a job is scary as hell since it could be a very long time before I find a job.  Since we are living paycheck to paycheck the thought of not having even a partial paycheck is freaking me out.  Hell we almost couldn’t buy food this week because we only had $10 after paying house payment.  Raided the gas can for the snow blower to put some gas in the van since it had like a 1/16th of a tank left.  Unfortunately there is nothing I can do if they have decided to fire me, not like I can apologize, not that I haven’t already but being a contractor I’m very expendable.  But here in all of its glory is my WTF email that may be getting me fired.

 Ok, Now I can understand some of what is probably getting me fired but most is like wtf. I told someone No do it on your time not ours. When is that ever a bad thing but no management feels like crucifying me. It was also my understanding of the new rules that were put in place that I was told and again my fault for NOT getting it in writing. But banking sites were removed at Managements approval.  Also the whole restricted per managements wishes is what caused them to run all the way up to the CIO.  So the CIO started chewing out down the food chain that, that is not policy and management is not restricting them from the banking sites.  Just the user did not have internet access as such was blocked from visiting that site.  Ok so I screwed up but is that a reason for me to lose my job?   Like I said its a true WHAT THE FREAK.  References to where I work have been removed just as a CYA so that they don’t have another reason to fire me for posting company confidential information. 

So what makes me think i’m getting fired?  Well the boss above my supervisor is the one who came down to chew me out and kept using the it may cost you your job.  When i talked to my supervisor if I was getting fired or not his mouth kept going dry and making that annoying clicking sound and changing the subject refusing to stay on the subject am I losing my job.  A while back we talked about when or how they fire people and he mentioned that they like to do it on Thursdays.  Well this morning my one on one monthly meeting with my supervisor just got changed to Thursday afternoon at 3:30 when they like to fire people {FUCK}.   So I’ve got a boss who is avoiding the subject, probably lying due to the dry mouth clicking thing and now this.  It makes me want to double my anti-depressants because I was already having issues with my depression before but now it just makes me want a take a gun and blow my head off.  Christ i’m worth more dead than I am alive right now.  Sigh…

Well off to the grind stone and my hell i’m calling my job for now.

The Meaning of Life..

No I don’t have the answer..  No wait I do the answer is 8. 

Having a baby is such a life changing experience.  This little thing is developing into a human being.  Its going from a crying, eating, and pooping machine into a person.  Its developing its own personality, its taking some personality from you.  Dear lord my parents wishes are coming true its a mini me with all my flaws.  Stubborn, tv couch potato in training, and not a morning person.  Its sad but Oliver has inherited my couch potato gene.   Is absolutely mesmerized by any TV, to the point you literally have to cover his eyes or turn off the tv to get his attention.  Then he fusses a bit.  Could be wandering through a store all the sudden the little head snaps to the right and is following a giant plasma your walking by.  Like oooooo shiny..  

After his time in the NICU and all the Dr. appts we had where all said the same thing we won’t be able to tell more until he gets older.  That waiting game is painful.  I think he is developing a little more slowly than is normal, but I haven’t seen anything to indicate a more serious problem.   Was amazed to see him pickup a rattle and start playing with it.  That it seems like it wasn’t even a week ago that he could barely hold a rattle, to not only picking it up but actually playing with it. To go from being a limp wiggle worm to pushing and propping himself up on your belly to look at you instead of staying face down and wiggling.  All those little accomplishments amaze me.  As we approach 5 months its been a hectic quick 5 months.  Still doesn’t even seem like almost 5 months ago we spent agonizing days going back and forth to visit him the NICU even wondering if he was going to be ok.  To a wonderful happy smiling baby who has found his voice and goo’s gaa’s and squeals in long unintelligible conversations with you or his hands.

New Year = New Post

Yea follow the herd..  MOooo..   Baaaaa.. 

Its the new year time to have a new post like every other blog site on the planet.  2009 was ok, could have been better.  Had some great high points like the birth of my son, the signing of the title to the project over to me from previous owner.  {BONUS}  Sort of makes up for the huge debt I now have from my son’s birth the mandatory 5% pay-cut I was forced to take, and the fact that I’m making less these past 2 years than I have in the 2 prior.  Ohh but wait the company still made a large profit and increased its dividend all 4 quarters last year all because they slashed costs.  Ok we gave my 5% to the shareholders.. Screw that I want my money back let the rich fat cats take a pay-cut on there dividends. 

Survived the wonderful trip to Florida.  Feel sorry for them now as they have temps down in the 30’s and we left the day the temp dropped.  But 21 hours in a car with a 6yr old and a 4 month old survivable.  Tip the electronic babysitter is a wonderful thing.  Load up the 6 disc dvd changer with all Disney movies and hit the road.   Also driving at night a god send for the 4 month old.   Disney was NUTS!!!  Mental note never go to Disney in August {to damn hot} or between christmas  and new years.  Only bonus is the 1st the attendance at the parks dropped way off so it wasn’t quite as insane, mostly due to bad weather, everyone freaked at 40’s and rain.  Heck that is still better than 22 and snow.  I also was sick which sucked but started feeling better just in time to drive home.

Feel really bad my wife got me exactly what I asked for, for Christmas.  Just one slight problem…  Didn’t do my homework to well so the awesome Rock Band fender strat controller is not compatible with my Guitar Hero Metallica So that I could at least play something and make sure the controller worked I went out and rented Beatles Rock Band.  Not bad if you like Beatles but would have rather been jamming to some tallica.  But she feels real bad because I couldn’t use my present that I really really wanted.  Also since its shortly after the Christmas rush no one has any guitar hero controllers so its not even like I can go buy another controller right now.